i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We need to get me chipped asap
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
