And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
