She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Randomize