Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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