what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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