your parents love me but you hate me
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
