We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
