Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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