the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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