peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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