One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
