My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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