help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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