nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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