But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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