You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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