hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
