And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Randomize
