And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She's the barista slut.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
I did not marry a roomba.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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