I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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