No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize
