That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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