Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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