wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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