They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
