im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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