I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
