I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
