i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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