Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize