He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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