If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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