I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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