Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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