smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
it was like eating out sand paper
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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