I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I can't trust your balls anymore.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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