Rock
Scissors
Fuck
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
