wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
