What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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