I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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