now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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