what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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