okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
