She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
