You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
