Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
