so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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