I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
