Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
