i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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