The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
