Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
