The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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