my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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