I'm gonna have a badass scar
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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