when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
