Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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