last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
