So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
