I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
