you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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