I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
