your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I would fuck him just for his dog
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
